We’ve all heard the stories. Parents/friends/spouses who don’t approve of your chosen course. Your parents and friends are worried you’re getting your hopes up needlessly.
“Very few writers earn a living from their writing,” they say, and within certain parametres, they’re right.
I’m sorry to say that various of my female author friends suffer from unsupportive spouses. Usually the wives in question started writing after they’d been married for a while. The spouses seem to resent the diversion of the wives’ attention from their men. The spouses in question also seem not to have hobbies of their own.
I don’t count TV-watching as a hobby.
Often any or all of these categories will say something along the lines of “you might not be good enough.” If you haven’t worked at your craft and put in some work at your writing, they could well be right. If you’ve decided (as a friend of a friend apparently said to her) to take “an extended break from work and write a book” when you’ve never written anything before, you may have a rude awakening in store. Writing takes work. And passion.
For all that, if this is truly what you want to do, you should forge ahead and damn well do it anyway.
Personally, I’ve found the most hurtful attitude came from other authors. Authors who are published and who seem to look down on some unpublished authors as ignorant wannabes. Unpublished authors are apparently good enough to be their fans and friends, but not their author equals. Or even people equals. Like, a lower level of friend than their proper author friends.
Yes, it’s happened to me. Yes, I’m still angry.
But I say to them what I say to everyone else who thinks I can’t make this work:
Fuck. You.
Just because I’m not published YET, doesn’t mean I won’t get published EVER. You can look down on me as an daft blonde wannabe without two brain cells to rub together if you really want to, but that doesn’t mean we won’t one day sit on a panel together. It doesn’t mean I won’t sell more books than you in the end. It doesn’t mean I won’t go on to be a mega-seller success and you will.
It especially doesn’t mean you’re a better writer than me.
Just because I’m generally perky and happy and say “yay!” a lot, doesn’t mean I’m stupid or ignorant. Just because I haven’t been working at this in a committed fashion for the past twenty years, doesn’t mean I can’t write.
It most definitely doesn’t mean I can’t write.
It’s a very bad idea to look down on people you think are beneath you simply because you’re published and they’re not. It’s potentially particularly bad as a business decision. Who knows what the future holds? No one has ever had to kiss my arse to get anything out of me, and I tend to discount arse-kissers as not having the ability and talent to achieve their goals without the arse-kissing. But there’s a difference between arse-kissing and common courtesy, and if I’m in a position where I get to choose between two authors of equal quality and one was a dick to me once…
What can I say? I’m female. And I have a very good memory. Most people do for insults and denigration.
Now, having got that off my chest, I will go back to my writing and not think about the stupid people any more. Thank you for your time.
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Podcast "FRANK: Vol. 1 – Boiling Point"
Doesn’t really sound like a friend to me. :/ Sorry you had to encounter that, but glad you have the right attitude to handle it.
Yeah, doesn’t sound like a friend to me either! It’s taken me a while to get over it – I was spitting mad at first!!
Ha! Just love it when you go both barrels. I guess they just forget everybody starts of a virgin. Just because they got there first means zip. Its not a race. It certainly annoying when attitudes are blatantly dumb but now we know who they are. Cheers. Bill
Yes, I seem to rant a lot lately. Oh well. And yes, I suspect they forgot they were once where I am now. Not good.
Fanastic post. I can completely relate.
And Katja is right … That’s no friend.
Xx
Always annoying, but it’s good to know, really. No point in thinking someone actually respects you when they obviously don’t.
Sounds as though you’ve been unlucky. A lot of people are really impressed by their friends becoming writers. It is quite funny when they assume because you’ve sold books you’re rich enough never to work again. But most people are very supportive. I’m sure most of the people you know are proud of you.
And don’t worry about parents. My mother’s still too embarassed to tell her friends I write!
Most published authors are lovely. Some aren’t. And I guess we haven’t been friends long enough for them to get that I’m just as valid as a writer as they are. Whatever. Their loss. Most of my friends are very impressed by my being a writer. But then, they’re real friends.
Wow, talk about an insecure writer! Blowing up bridges can be fun, but is never a good idea if you may have to cross it later.
By the same token, I would never apply the “sell-out” label to one of my indie writer friends who get a book deal with a traditional publisher. Heck, if a non-exploitive deal were offered me I’d probably take it.
Quite. And that’s a bridge which is definitely blown. It could be rebuilt, I dare say, with a lot of time and effort. We’ll see how it goes. I’m certainly not going to bother with it.
Wizard’s number one rule. Remember?
It applies to authors, too.
Sorry you had to encounter the stupid.
Chin up, keep on, keeping on. The universe has a great way of serving up humble pie to those who need it.
Hahahahahaha!! I’m ashamed to say I had to look up Wizard’s First Rule, but yes, it’s very apt!
Wow. So sorry you had to experience that. Life’s too short (and too full of other, far more interesting people) to waste any further time on assholes.
Keep your chin up and your powder dry, Mhairi!
Hahahaha Are we talking cosmetic powder? Or gunpowder? I didn’t cry about it, was just so damn angry at the time. Now I’m over it. Always important to keep the powder dry
The few times I’ve met authors, real in the flesh authors, I’ve always been so NERVOUS I become babbling idiot. As such, I almost EXPECT to be discounted or shrugged off… but luckily for me, the two authors I met, Jim Butcher and his talented published wife Shannon Butcher were both lovely.
It’s always sort of shocking and appalling when I hear that some authors are rude or dismissive to people. ESPECIALLY when their chauvinistic. It makes me sad to think that some authors, writers of books we love, aren’t that nice in person.
One of my favorite authors, (who is just fun and weird and quirky) had a similar experience a few years back where she met one of her authorial heroes, one of the reasons she chose to start writing… And he was condescending and dismissive. She is also blonde, and *gasp* female, and maybe if the author KNEW who she was he’d have been nicer… But he wasn’t, and that’s kind of the point. If an author is a d*ck to any of his fans, that’s going to come back to haunt him.
Every writer, every PERSON, should follow Wheatons Law: “Don’t be a dick.”
If you can do that, then everyone will have a better time.
Wheaton, whoever he was (toddling off to Google RIGHT NOW), was a smart guy. And I’ve often wondered how many people have dismissed me just because of the blonde. For years I would refer people to my hair colour if I made a mistake of some kind, and only recently stopped doing it after a (male) friend blew up at me about it. “You’re not stupid,” he said. “Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t bring your hair into it.” He was right, of course.
All we can do is control our own dickishness. That of other people is beyond our control.
Heh. Will Wheaton is a super geek, actor, and gamer nerd. He was on Start Trek NG and has a pretty successful blog and podcast. Mostly a cult following.
See, I’m the opposite, sometimes I give people TOO many excuses for WHY they might be a d*ck, and it isn’t until after I see them interact with a male person that I realize their being rude to me because I’m female. I HATE that.
The writer who got snubbed by one of her heroes? Seanan McGuire, NYT bestselling author, and he shot her down when she was paying him a compliment. So take heart, whether your super famous may NOT cure all the bigots, but I know YOU will succeed.
I give people a lot of chances too, but when it doesn’t change, even I have to draw a line somewhere. I don’t know if being blonde and female has anything to do with my most recent experience, but I know everyone judges people based on their appearance, even if it’s only subconsciously, and with some people it’s totally conscious. You have to have a line somewhere where you decide, yeah, they overstepped the mark. I can see why authors tend to clump together – everyone sticks with whoever were their contemporaries when they were starting out, because at least they know those people a/stuck with them through the tough times, b/have known them for a while, and therefore c/are unlikely to be hanging with them in order to get some kind of benefit out of it. It’s sad but I’ve been doing it myself, which is another reason cons are so great – you get to meet authors who are at different levels to you and hopefully connect and make new friends. Rather than new contacts. I hate the idea of making “contacts”. I’d much rather make “friends”.
Me too! I’ve always hoped to do Cons as a fun thing, it sort of baffles me when people say they plan to go to the con to NETWORK. I’m like… Okay, but what about making friends? I cannot afford to travel, book hotel, and pay a Con fee… So if I go to one, you can BET I’ll be going to have fun and hopefully meet some of the great people I know online. I mean, honestly, I think you’re just as likely to ‘network’ with someone through emails b/c then they won’t ‘lose’ your contact information. I don’t want to talk to someone b/c I WANT something from them.
And I think we all tend to feel more comfortable with some people. Though for me I think the biggest factor is if they forgive my occasional idiocy!
I suspect what we call making friends is what other people call networking, but who knows?
I’m so happy my husband supports me even if I never make money at it, because I am happy writing. It makes me so happy that I daydream about the day I make enough money to support him with writing so he can return to school.
A supportive spouse has to be one of the most wonderful things for any artist. I’m so happy that you have that! It’s great to know. Gives me faith more people will find it!
I’m self-published and I’ve come across this attitude a few times as well, even by authors that aren’t published! I tried the Trad. path, it wasn’t for me.
I have a very supportive Husband, who’s come up with some great promo ideas too. It feels great, but it feels weird at the same time.
Weird, how?
Very pleased about the supportive husband, by the way
And today we can and do leave those corporate traditionalists behind and self-publish anyway.
In my eyes, generally speaking self-pub writers are better, precisely because they don’t walk the most walked road. They/we are original, even as trad writers lack virtually any originality.
I would have to disagree. Authors are authors, end of, regardless of which path they choose. I have encountered the arrogance I mentioned in my post in both traditionally and self-published authors. Please note I didn’t say which category the individual who inspired this rant falls under. Nor do I intend to. The feeling of superiority is not limited to either side.
And better is a very subjective term and not relevant to this discussion. I will however say that there is great originality to be found on both sides of the road – this site has never been and will never be a platform for the self vs trad debate. In future, comments such as these will be deleted immediately as inaccurate and therefore unnecessary.
Great post. I’ve been lucky enough not to encounter this yet, and my husband is wonderfully supportive. But there is definitely a growing divide between “types” of authors, and I’ve also heard horror stories about self-published authors being treated like dirt at various conventions. Hoping the tide is turning.
Oh man, yeah, the convention thing is bad. That said, I did hear about the SFWA talking about what criteria they would put in place for self-published authors to qualify for membership, which is definitely a step in the right direction.
Terrific rant, Mhairi. Loved it!
But I digress.
I’ve been lucky. I haven’t been on the receiving end of that attitude yet.
Right now I’m a ginger (oy, not sure how that happened!), in a day or so I’ll be a brunette. The best reactions I’ve gotten was back when I was a brunette with a bright purple stripe in my hair… at 52.
Keep on writing. You’re awesome, love your blog.
Thank you! I once did bright blue stripes in my hair while at university. Meant I never sat on my own in lectures because my friends could always see me
I’m slow this week, forgive me
I think that part of becoming a “real author” (as if those of us that write daily aren’t that already) is not giving a damn what the established authors, non-authors, or for that matter, any other freaking human thinks of what we do. It’s the thick skin people lovingly refer to. Although, it would be fun to hyper-analyze and burn their little pet projects to *grins* – collect stamps, yeah, I can see that getting you a retirement villa on a Caribbean island…
Anyhoo, Mhairi my dear, you had the totally right response – tell em to F off and go do your thing. Awesome rant
I bet you did, like a cleansing tonic for the soul – at least that is how I felt after reading it
That sucks that you’ve had that kind of experience with another author.
I’ve found pubbed authors, even before I was one myself, to be really friendly and down to earth. We’re all just writers trying to craft good stories. If we have that published stamp on our resume or not shouldn’t matter.